Sex

Sex

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LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

Sex has been a taboo topic in society for as long as I can remember. When I first asked my mom about sex when I was 13 years old and starting to experience puberty, she was so uncomfortable talking to me about it that she just told me that penises smell bad and would get me pregnant so I should stay away from them. Pertaining to menstruation, she said I’d have a ‘period’ one day where there’d be blood in my urine, but that is biologically inaccurate because menstrual blood comes from the vagina and not the urethra. My mother knows the difference but wanted to keep me ‘innocent’ for as long as possible because that was the upbringing that she had, and that’s how most people raise their kids – the way they were raised. And that was our talk about sex and boys. Fun.

I never learned about sex in school other than having covered the topics of male and female reproductive anatomy in Biology class. And the one time we ever even broached the topic of pleasure, my teacher became so uncomfortable at even mentioning the word ‘clitoris’ that she said ‘I am only going to say this word once and I’ll say it fast – this is the clitoris.’ She said it so fast I wasn’t even sure if I heard it. And that was it. That was my introduction to sex as far as the education system was concerned. I understand there are a lot of politics around sex and some parents don’t want their kids ‘exposed’ to that information, but if you don’t educate kids about sex openly and properly, they’ll find back door ways to explore it (excuse the pun…or don’t). More often than not, that results in higher rates of STD’s, unplanned pregnancy and people using porn as a way to learn about sex. Using porn as a teaching tool in particular creates a completely warped view about what sex is and how to enjoy it as well as a macho, toxic ‘bro culture.’ This results in the suppression of women’s sexual needs, women feeling like they need to fake orgasms, and ultimately, dishonest, unfulfilling relationships and frustration for on both sides.

Anyway, back to biology class. Of course we also learned that men ejaculate sperm which fertilizes the egg. The egg comes down the fallopian tube from the ovary during ovulation in the female. If the egg and sperm unite, fertilization can occur and produce an embryo which is supposed to implant in the uterus, grow, yada yada yada…Baby. But there was never any talk of female orgasm, or even female pleasure, in the classroom. Yet female pleasure and orgasm play a central role in attaining pregnancy, interpersonal emotional bonding, good health, happiness, wellbeing, and living the full human experience.

Even before my lifetime, the topics of female sexuality, orgasm, anatomy and pleasure have been highly taboo at least since the dawn of man’s modern religion. Along with the story of Genesis came the beliefs that women were ‘tainted’ and ‘dirty’ because they had periods and because they had eaten the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden and sentenced men to an eternity of suffering (haha! As if they don’t deserve it. Kidding).

How ironic, and even infuriating, is it that men disempower and dehumanize women even as they continue to blame women for the suffering men themselves cause, such as destruction of the environment, human rights violations, war crimes, etc. Not that it’s impossible for women to be abusive and exploitive, because there are abusive women just as there are abusive men, but they seem much less prevalent. I cannot think of one female leader who has ever led men to their deaths. Can you? Further, women are sold like slaves via human trafficking, have their bodies picked apart by the media, which zooms in on them with microscopic detail to find even the slightest hint of cellulite, are labeled as either pregnant or fat if their stomachs are not completely flat, and are accused of being selfish if they do not wish to get married and have children.

Past is prologue. Only about 40% of women achieve orgasm in heterosexual sex if they have long term partners, and only about 10% of women have an orgasm if they have heterosexual sex with a casual partner! Meanwhile, men climax about 70% of the time! Where does this inequity in pleasure come from? In cultures all over the world, sexual pleasure is a privilege, not a basic human right, and is more often reserved for men. Why? Power. In some countries in Africa, as one of the most extreme examples, girls are cruelly subjected to Female Genital Mutilation, or FGM, where they undergo the surgical cutting and removal of their clitoris, sometimes even from infancy! This egregious practice exists because men want to be assured that women will loyal to them, and what better way of having that assurance than to essentially remove a woman’s ability to experience pleasure? How horrific.

This mentality of pleasure being a privilege reserved for men is also prevalent in the west, though to a lesser degree. We’ll start with porn. Porn is usually created by men for men, and when men watch porn, they become brainwashed to believe that what they are seeing is a realistic portrayal of sex and how to do it. The problem is, porn is usually skewed in favor of male pleasure. The activities have been pre-planned. Every porn video I have seen is basically the same, simple, stupid formula, and that’s why I don’t even watch it anymore. It’s eye-glazing, boring conversation, comically horrible acting, quick nudity, blowjob, cunnilingus, from the back, from the front, ejaculate on the girl’s face, blah blah blah. Stupidity. There’s no emotional investment from the audience into the characters or the characters into each other, and the interpersonal investment is really what ultimately makes sex great. And I bet the pleasure you think you see people experiencing is fake (surprise surprise). I think the only time I thought I saw women enjoying themselves was when I watched lesbian porn. I spoke to a man that does porn and he said he doesn’t even enjoy it that much. It’s just about money. He doesn’t even want to keep doing it (imagine that) but it’s the most lucrative job he’s offered, so he takes it. It’s work. People are pretending to enjoy what they’re doing because they are being paid to entertain you. It’s not a realistic portrayal of two people actually doing what feels good TO THEM. So as a result, a lot of people think sex is a man stabbing his penis into a woman several times, and this is unfortunate.

To make things worse, women are afraid to speak up out of a very logical fear that they will no longer being viewed as sexy and desirable. Society more often portrays women as sexy when they are submissive and soft spoken, not when they are honest and assertive. So women pretend to be satisfied out of a desire to fulfill the stereotype of what society claims is attractive. Over time, this takes a toll on women as living without the pleasure of orgasm is not only exhausting, but it’s physically damaging. The human body has evolved to experience orgasm to neutralize stress and pain, slow aging, create deeper bonds between partners, stimulate the immune and cardiovascular systems, improve mood, etc. The ability to orgasm took billions of years to evolve, and yet, oppressive contemporary human culture disempowers women from fully experiencing it. That can make life far less satisfying, fulfilling and whole for women all over the world and could drive anyone mad! Do you feel bad for calling girls crazy yet? Geez!

Though we have made huge strides in terms of empowering women to speak up, educating them, and giving them more dignity, we still have a long way to go. It would certainly help if women were comfortable speaking up about what they want and men did not assume that women will just be satisfied by men simply repeating what they see in porn. And knowing where the female pleasure center is located is certainly a plus (duh). I find it comical that men watch so much porn and yet still can’t find a woman’s clitoris. It’s a treasure map they’ve seen a million times and they still can’t find the x? And even if they do know where it is, sometimes they don’t even know what to do with it. How can you possibly be seductive or please someone when you don’t know where the source of their pleasure comes from? Besides this, sex and pleasure are as much about how a person makes you feel emotionally as how they physically affect you. And to be in tune with people’s emotions, you need to have empathy and care about how they feel. Being compassionate and empathetic is as powerful as knowing where to touch someone. A man be physically attractive, yet if he says something stupid, it can completely turn a woman off. It’s all about how the person makes you feel.

People compare sex to wine, in that as people age and they grow more comfortable with each other and less self conscious about their bodies, sex becomes better. This is because it becomes more about what they are experiencing inside their bodies than about worrying about any imperfections on the outside of their bodies. As people age, they come to understand that beauty is culturally and socially constructed, and these constructs abusively and subconsciously inhibit people from enjoying sex. What is and is not beautiful is completely arbitrary, and it is also decided by the ruling class. Comically and strangely, I don’t think men care if women wear makeup, do their hair or wear expensive clothes; they just want the bare, natural, naked woman when all is said and done.

Hold my beer as I reach for some tits

There also is this toxic push of manufactured beauty. Heavily photoshopped models grace the covers of magazines and have access to the best makeup, makeup artists, hair stylists, dietitians, organic & healthy food, personal chefs, personal trainers and even plastic surgeons. This great inequality in resources is stressful as it not only impacts quality of life but also causes women to constantly compare themselves to the heavily photoshopped and insanely manufactured images they see. Further, the way they are treated by other people and society in general depends largely on whether they decide to conform to these standards of beauty. Thus, it is a much-needed break from society’s  toxicity  when girls can finally relax. They can feel comfortable with someone who does not apply toxic beauty filters to their bodies.

An artist’s recreation of the body of Nefertiti.

Some people like to have fast, casual sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but women rarely orgasm this way. Men usually just orgasm very quickly, and then it’s as if the encounter only really exists for them. So then, why bother? Guys can ejaculate too fast if they’re selfish or impatient, and sometimes, as I have said, they expect for their sexual encounters to be like the a porn videos they watch so often, and that’s not real life. This warped mindset that men have about sex is an obvious concern for women, who are lucky enough to have bodies that have evolved to experience intense pleasure for long periods of time. The problem is, men are not raised to respect this gift. Instead, they are taught to be selfish and ignorant and believe women are not as smart as they are and are not deserving of the same dignities and rights that men are afforded. Women are born with magical boxes and valuable intellectual gifts that men are taught to never fully appreciate, enjoy or explore, and that is a tragedy. So much lost pleasure and ingenuity. A lot of men ejaculate before a woman has even had one orgasm, or they can’t hold onto it after the woman has had her first orgasm. Women’s bodies were made for sex just as much as men’s bodies were, and we were meant to enjoy it as much too, maybe even more. The first orgasm is great, but each one after is even better than the last. But if a man only cares about having his own orgasm, and/or if he naively believes he can please women by trying to repeat what he sees in porn, why would anyone want to be with him?

Men seem just as frustrated with women about not having fulfilling experiences, both in relationships and sex. A lot of men complain about how difficult women can be to please, but they also degradingly call girls crazy, which means they don’t take them, their feelings or their thoughts seriously. They don’t care about how women feel, even as much as girls try to express themselves, and that’s going to create problems in the bedroom. Being in tune with someone else’s feelings is very important to unlocking their pleasure center. Also, orgasms come from a place of mutual respect. I find a lot of times that guys who call girls crazy do not respect girls and are not in fulfilling relationships with girls. Interestingly, in contrast to heterosexual sex, gay sex tends to result in higher rates of female satisfaction. I personally think that this is because women understand what other women want far more than men do because they are not brainwashed by porn the same way that men are.

Women also know what feels good to them and instinctively know how they want to be touched, so they can imitate what they would want someone to do to them on someone else. Women are also more empathetic and sensitive about listening to what a partner wants. I think it would behoove men to change their mentality about sex to better accommodate women and be more compassionate, open-minded, empathetic and sensitive to women’s needs. Men are not typically raised to be empathic or care about women’s feelings or needs, and worse, they are raised to believe that their own ideas and needs are somehow superior to women’s. If men were more empathetic and sensitive and cared as much about their partner’s pleasure as they did their own, even going so far as to derive their own pleasure from their partner’s, and see women as equally deserving of respect, it would lead to more satisfying, fulfilling and longer lasting relationships and sexual experiences for both partners.

.:. Thanks for Reading .:.

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